The Silent Marriage Killer: Financial Deception and Its Impact on Relationships

Money is one of the biggest sources of conflict in relationships. In India, 40% of divorces cite financial issues as a key reason, while 60% of marital conflicts stem from money-related disputes. But it’s not just about having too little or too much money—it’s about how finances are managed in a relationship.

As a therapist, I see many couples struggling with different financial conflicts. Some face power struggles over money, others deal with mismatched spending habits, and many experience financial deception. In dual-income families, unclear financial responsibilities often lead to confusion and resentment. Why does this happen? Let’s explore the key factors and what can be done to ease financial tensions in relationships.

Financial Deception: The Hidden Betrayal

Imagine you and your partner have an arrangement where expenses are divided—one handles EMIs, the other takes care of household costs. Everything seems fine until you discover that your partner has missed a crucial payment, and now you must cover it at the last minute. You let it slide, but then it happens again. When confronted, your partner offers reasonable excuses—a delayed salary, unexpected expenses. You trust them. But as time goes on, the same pattern repeats. Eventually, you check their bank statements and realize the truth: instead of covering financial responsibilities, your partner has been spending on shopping or entertainment. When you question them, they snap back, “You don’t get to tell me how to spend my money.”

This is financial deception—where one partner hides income, spending habits, or debts from the other, creating an environment of uncertainty and mistrust. I see couples who don’t disclose their salaries or financial statements, leading to a lack of transparency. Some enter marriage with financial promises they later fail to keep, shaking the foundation of trust. Others struggle with hidden debts, gambling, or habitual borrowing, which inevitably impacts the relationship.

The Emotional Toll of Financial Deception

Financial dishonesty doesn’t just affect the bank balance—it takes a deep emotional toll. You may feel betrayed, hurt, blindsided, and insecure about the future. Doubts creep in, and some partners even resort to investigating their spouse’s financial activities—checking bank records, reading messages, searching for evidence of gambling or reckless spending.

But why do people lie about money in relationships? Let’s explore some common reasons.

Why Do People Hide Their Financial Struggles?

A couple hiding their finances from each other

1. Traditional Gender Roles and Financial Expectations

Men are often expected to be the primary earners and financial decision-makers. Even among progressive couples, societal conditioning reinforces this belief. In my pre-marital counseling sessions, 80% of women—even those identifying as feminists—expect their male partners to take the financial lead.

For men, financial struggles can feel like personal failures. The pressure to maintain an image of financial stability leads some to take reckless decisions—hiding debts, taking loans, or concealing financial difficulties from their partners.

2. Unspoken Relationship Rules

Every couple unconsciously establishes relationship rules—who manages the household, who raises the children, who earns more, and who takes financial responsibility. However, these rules are often never openly discussed, leading to assumptions and misunderstandings.

For example, if one partner initially earns more, they may take on financial responsibility. But as their incomes change over time, the unspoken rule remains unchanged, leading to hidden struggles and financial dishonesty.

Similarly, if a couple decides that one partner will handle major financial responsibilities, but later that partner struggles with their income, they may feel embarrassed to admit it. Instead of discussing the issue, they might start hiding their financial difficulties, leading to secrecy and deception.

2. Pressure to fulfill promises or image created during courtship

In India, most marriages are arranged. While sending one's biodata to a matrimony site or marriage bureau, people have to mention their income and ancestral wealth (if any). Believe it or not, most profiles get rejected solely on the basis of the income displayed on their profile. Many people resort to exaggerating their income and financial status of the family for the fear of being rejected. First meetings in these scenarios is also mostly to assess the financial stability rather than evaluating the person. Because, let's face it, personality evaluation takes time. Hence, the need for horoscope matching.

When the couple ties the knot, a pressure to fulfill that image comes along with it. Most partners find out after a long time that what was being projected before marriage was not even real. This comes as a shock to many, and leads to a serious breakdown of trust.

How to Prevent Financial Deception in a Relationship

1. Open and Regular Money Conversations

The key to financial harmony is transparency. Couples should discuss finances every month—not necessarily to change responsibilities but to ensure both partners are aware of their financial situation. This prevents surprises and helps both partners feel secure.

2. Redefining Financial Roles

Rather than assuming equal responsibility for everything, couples should divide financial roles:

• One partner can oversee budgeting and expense management.

• The other can focus on investments and long-term financial planning.

However, only one partner should be in charge of financial management overall. While responsibilities can be divided, one person should oversee the bigger financial picture—monitoring bills, setting reminders, ensuring savings and investments are on track.

For example:

• Partner 1 handles rent, electricity, and internet bills.

• Partner 2 manages groceries, shopping, and loan EMIs.

• But Partner 1 takes overall charge of tracking expenses and ensuring financial stability.

The same approach applies to savings and investments—responsibilities can be divided, but one partner should take the lead in tracking and managing funds.

3. Revisiting Relationship Rules

Couples need to periodically redefine their financial rules as their circumstances change. If one partner initially took financial responsibility but their income changes, the rules should adapt accordingly.

Financial responsibility should not be based on outdated assumptions. Instead, partners should openly discuss:

• Who earns what?

• Who manages what?

• Who takes the lead, and who provides support?

Clear communication prevents misunderstandings and ensures both partners feel secure in their roles.

4. Seeking Professional Guidance

If both partners struggle with financial management, seeking external help can be beneficial:

• Financial Coaches: Help couples create effective financial plans and improve money management skills.

• Therapists: Assist in addressing deep-seated money-related anxieties and conflicts, improving emotional well-being around financial matters.

  
  

When Financial Deception Is a Serious Issue

1. Gambling and Debt Traps

Some partners have unhealthy financial habits, such as chronic borrowing or gambling. These behaviors are often rooted in childhood experiences, where financial instability or poor money management was normalized.

When one partner repeatedly falls into debt or exhibits reckless financial behavior, the other may experience overwhelming insecurity. If gambling is involved, it’s crucial to seek professional treatment, as addiction can severely damage the relationship.

2. Chronic Career Instability

Some individuals frequently change jobs, business ventures, or income sources due to a lack of direction or mentorship. Their partners often bear the emotional and financial burden, leading to resentment and mistrust. In such cases, therapy can help the affected partner address underlying insecurities and create a more stable financial plan.

The Bottom Line: Money Matters, but So Does Trust

Financial deception is one of the most damaging forms of dishonesty in a relationship. It shakes the very core of trust and security. However, understanding why it happens can help couples navigate financial conflicts with more empathy and awareness. If financial struggles are creating tension in your relationship, remember: money habits can be changed, and financial trust can be rebuilt. Seek support, communicate openly, and create a financial plan that strengthens—not weakens—your bond.