When I first found out that I was expecting, I made a list of all the things I thought I will need to remind myself of once the baby arrives. I knew that I would get so busy with the new life and role of being a mother, that I will need a reminder. Some of the items on that list were:
Workout!!!
Keep your marriage spiced up!!!
Don't over-concentrate on perfect parenting
Keep anxiety at bay when it comes to baby's health and milestones
Do not compare!!!
Well, obviously the list was quite exhaustive, but I can assure you that as a mother of a 4 month old baby, I still haven't followed a single item on this list, and I'm sure most mothers are not able to do the same and end up going through guilt, misery, frustration and low self esteem. Some may even go through post-partum depression and/or anxiety. I know better, as in the second month, I was going through the same. I had to uproot myself and the baby and move cities, live in a place which required a lot of work, put up with single parenting for 2 months, go through covid and the scare that baby also got it, keep working without any maternity leave (entrepreneurs and professionals hardly have this luxury I guess), live without a routine, and to top it all, deal with a colicky baby!
I certainly did not expect all of this to happen in my new life as a mother, and the list I made might as well be thrown out of the window. My depressed mind would only allow me to focus on all negatives and all the frustrations that I had to face. My baby kept crying, and one fine day, I lost it completely, and yelled at a little baby. Not that it helped. It just made her wail even more and put me under tremendous guilt.
Upon introspection, I realised that my baby was picking up on my emotions.
Emotions of abandonment, as I was first left all alone in Pune and suddenly, all responsibilities that were shared by me and my husband, just fell upon me. She was reflecting misery as well and most importantly, anxiety. I was anxious about every single thing. Work made me anxious, baby's health made me anxious, ill-equipped and ill-behaved nannies made me anxious, fear for our safety made me feel anxious. As a result of all of this anxiety, my baby was constantly picking up and was always crying when she was in my arms. The moment she went to the nanny, she would calm down. I was certain that my baby hated me!
Here I am today, filled with love, joy, peace and most importantly, acceptance. My baby is healthy, happy and a changed person. We both have bonded so well, that we have these supremely love-filled moments when we just look at each other, and the world just doesn't exist. Every love song I hear is now applicable to baby. Baby's colic is a thing of the past. She still has some health issues, and after obsessing over her health for over 3 months, now I've turned into a patient person, who knows that all is well when the mind is well. So my anxiety has turned into caution as far as her health is concerned.
So the question is, how did I manage to get here? From a hair-pulling, self-destructive, obsessive, overly anxious person to someone who is at ease? Many mothers go through exactly what I have gone through. So this post and the next one is for you, mamas! There is hope and light when there is awareness and insight!
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